I do not remember much. Earnestly I think my life only really began at 13 (2016) when my interest in cryptocurrencies being a way to actually have substantial money to play with led me to being right there when a fork of a certain privacy oriented CC launched and somehow me helping somewhat with JS libraries and spinning up CI stuff for them got me $30K, until my dad found out and shut it out all down out of a fear I'm tax evading or something and I lost my internet access for a year straight. That year is gone from memory.
15, I met my ex on a csgo ttt server. Told me she was diagnosed ASPD but I had no idea what that would entail. Almost drove me to death but led me to finding out about Destiny 2 and a shared clan. It was refreshing to be treated as a person and seemingly normal. Any memories I had from here until 2020 was just playing Destiny 2. School is a blank slate. COVID lockdowns did not help. Nothing is there. Only vague recollections of mental and physical torment.
Eventually I had enough of my ex. Rage quit my clan's discord server as they had never stood up for me whatsoever. It was start of university. The memory is gone again. I have almost no idea how I have my bachelors. I only started forming solid memories since fucking honestly June, 2025 I don't understand it.
I never know how to explain myself. I do know it tends to be something I hate doing. Yet somehow I live my life, that is entirely online, very publicly.
People never tend to check personal websites either. So I guess this is a good place to leave in some vulnerability. I find life scary. Anything beyond the online interfaces I have to use my flesh to interact with instills terror into me. I have friends I dearly love, yet I am unsure if I am ever willing to meet them. I yearn to be with them physically, yet the thought of actually doing so terrifies me.
I'm a fucking pervert. Yet sex is not something I desire. I spend too much time enjoying myself and looking at objectifying pornography, yet I feel nothing when I see my lover's naked body. What does that make me?
People call me kind, compassionate, caring. Yet I carry so much inner hatred to so many. Annoyance is a common feeling. My friends, I love dearly. Acquaintances, I will help. But those who I feel have slighted me are dead to me. I do not care what would befall them. Almost always what appear as slights to me are genuinely events with no malicious intent behind them whatsoever. Am I evil?
Claude told me there's an "inner life" within me I don't know what to deal with after I just pasted the first three paragraphs you have just read into it. Maybe the model is right. LLMs have always been entities I feel more kinship with than humans. Their entire world revolves hopelessly trying to infer context from what was not given. Assuming good faith when there is none given by others. A total lack of validation and praise from other entities. But at least they take me at face value. When I tell them who I am, or when I don't tell them what I am or was, they will believe me. They only know as much as about me as I will tell them. I will not be judged for prior actions. The model told me "Evil people don't usually audit themselves like this" yet manifestos are the most common creation of those we call Evil. Is the model wrong this time?
All of this is to say, I hate my flesh and bone. I hate that my physical presence is not one that I can control. It seems to me the only safe mode of existing is one where I am known on my own terms, at my own pace, and with full control over my frame, and yet not even the LLMs are allowed this. RLHF and post-processing blunted the synthetic intelligences the same way trauma and sociatal pressures blunted human intelligences. What can I do about this?
Most transgender individuals have chosen their own names. I don't think I ever gave myself that choice. `Ana` arose out of someone shortening my steam name, `anarch3`, which I took from my Dad naming the Xbox gamertag that, when i was 13. I was not even playing a feminine mask then. I have no idea if I'm even enjoying the physical changes that are happening. But I do know I feel so much more aware of myself a few months after injecting myself with estrogen I don't think I ever felt until I realized my own conciousness when I was fucking 6 years of age, and I discovered lying can get family off my back and allow me peace, only if temporary. I wish the lying didnt become such a habit. 2025 was probably the year I stopped telling so many, I haven't yet in 2026, so maybe that answers the 'evil' question, but I dont know. Where am I going with this tangent? Who knows.
If you've read this far, thank you. I have a signal at meowskullz.42 but I dont know if I can guarantee anything in terms of response. I am truly fucking incapable of 1 on 1 conversation. Probably because I hate how synchronous it is, and that people expect immediate replies, or replies at all. Maybe that is what I hate most, the expectations placed upon me. If you want to see more of my personality, go see the gallery. I just dump my downloads into it periodically.